James 1:19 tells us “…everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”
In my work with couples, I often “joke” that I should carry two signs around with me. The first one would say “slow down.” The other sign would state “assume positive intent” (this will be for a separate blog post). For today’s post, I want to focus on the importance of slowing down our interactions with our partner.
To state that we live in a fast-paced, hectic world may be the understatement of the century. The demands of our world are relentless. We are expected to work 50+ hours per week jobs, live in a dual income household, raise our 2.5 kids to be functioning adults, engage with a robust social life, etc., etc., etc. If there is one place that suffers the most from our current pace of life, I would argue it is in our marriages and how we interact with each other.
In trusted relationships like marriage, our spouse rightly becomes our safe person. However, when situations arise, such as disagreements or parenting challenges, the tender parts of ourselves sometimes get rubbed up against. In therapy, we sometimes call this being “triggered” or emotionally activated. It is in these situations that we have an opportunity to turn toward our partner for connection or turn away from the relationship.
One concept I routinely encourage couples to remind themselves of is to SLOW DOWN. Slow down the fight that is ensuing. Slow down the emotional response that is starting to become activated within yourself. The book of James instructs us to be patient and not quick to anger. Listening to hear what our partner is telling us is vastly different from listening to respond to what they are stating. Slowing down helps us to offer a presence of safety and connection versus a harsh word which erodes trust. Proverbs 15:1 tells us “…a harsh word stirs up anger.” A gentle response helps our partner feel heard and valued.
Slowing interactions down helps both partners better understand what is going on within their inner world. A gentle response to our partner helps with connection. (Focus: Respond gently).
Reflect first on what you bring to the relationship versus what you are not getting and SLOW DOWN. If this is a struggle in your life, it may be time to reach out for support.”