“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another” (John 13:34). The Lord calls us to love, and what better opportunity than starting with those in our own home. Unfortunately, we see tension among family members all too often, and at times this can impact one’s ability to demonstrate unconditional love. In doing family therapy, I’ve come to learn how crucial the foundation of the parent-child relationship (attachment) is for mental wellbeing and family dynamics. So often parents are doing everything they think will help their child/teen, and still, there is tension and distress. Here are a few things I educate parents on to ensure they put their energy into areas that will foster more connection and healing.
1. No matter the age, kids yearn for quality connection with their parent(s)/caregivers. This is undivided time, dedicated to connecting in a way the child enjoys. To feel seen, attuned to, and valued is of utmost importance in building a strong sense of self-worth in a child.
2. Understanding one another’s perspective. Every human is worthy of respect and understanding, no matter the age. Working with a lot of teens, I often hear that their parent(s) don’t understand them and their struggles. Taking time to listen and validate a child/teen’s perspective (even when you don’t agree!) can be incredibly therapeutic and healing for the relationship.
3. Avoid power struggles. A child/teen yearns for a sense of control; this is natural to development. Offering a child options (within reason), rather than dictating and demanding often leads to more responsiveness and follow-through. Ex: Do you prefer to take out the garbage or unload the dishwasher for your chore today.
4. Avoid helicopter parenting. Teens are in need of growing and learning through making some of their own choices (and likely mistakes). This doesn’t mean no expectations or rules, but finding room, where it feels reasonable, can be incredibly helpful for them to build a sense of confidence in self. Thinking about raising a child to become a successful, responsible adult is the goal. If we hold too tightly to everything they do, they won’t have the confidence to “fly” on their own when becoming an adult.
The job of parenting is one of the most important, and one of the most challenging. If you’re struggling, you are not alone. Reach out if you’d like to engage in counseling or family counseling to gain guidance and support. The goal is to offer hope and bring more love and unity into families. “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!”. (Psalm 133:1)